Hospital Access

So, I spent a lot of last night/early this morning at the hospital.  No, I wasn’t the one who was sick.

As I interacted with the hospital staff and sat around in the waiting room, I decided something - the next time I go to the emergency room with someone, I am DEFINITELY wearing my uniform jacket from when I worked as an EMT on an ambulance.  It was a very, very strange feeling to walk into a hospital and be treated like someone who’s completely foreign to the environment and might just pull out a guy’s feeding tube or something.  Maybe if I wear something that makes them think I’m still an EMT, they’ll realize I probably won’t kill anyone and let me stick around longer….oy.

New Home, and Prayer

So, we are now in our new home! Still a lot of boxes around, but a good 25 people or so from church helped us move on Saturday. Out of the old place and into the new in about 2 hours. Pretty amazing, if I do say so myself. I’ll put up some pictures the move soon. My church is awesome.

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In other news, God is awesome, too.  It strikes me as funny sometimes.  To think that before I go to youth group, I can take a couple of minutes to sit and pray for good conversations that night, and then I go, and have several good conversations.  Simple as that.  Weird…

Yeah, God is good.

Learning to Love God

Warning: This is long, so get a cup of coffee or something before you start.

I’ve had a lot of thoughts going through my head these past several weeks, mostly stemming from two catalysts. First, after a not-so-successful youth group, it was brought to my attention that my passion and excitement may not be all that evident to many of my youth. Second, I began to suspect that very few of my youth had much of an understanding of being able to interact and hear from God.

The first catalyst called into question where my passions and excitement lie. I was forced to realize that in some ways, it was the witness of my own Christian life that was hurting my kids’ ability to catch onto the importance and excitement of things we talk about in youth group. It made me wonder whether I was more passionate about the ministry I was doing, or the Person on whose name I testify. All of this really set me off-kilter for a few days, but was thankfully calmed down by some very direct and reassuring, if not entirely enlightening, responses from God. If nothing else, it was good to hear Him be so clear in speaking to me, even if He wasn’t ready to answer everything yet. In the end, I was still left with the question about where my passion stems from.

The second catalyst came through a few different conversations and lessons, but in general, I realized that most of the youth that I talked with couldn’t really come up with language addressing much of an ongoing relationship with the Lord, or being able to articulate who He is to them on a personal level. It seemed like they really didn’t even have much of a grasp of the personal, relational aspects of following Jesus. Now, a lot of my language and experience comes from an evangelical perspective, and I try to be really careful with how I talk about this “personal relationship with Jesus” stuff. In some ways, I think it is way overdone and is a bit of a cliché. However, I am fully convinced that interacting with Jesus daily is necessary for ongoing spiritual growth. Simply being a part of the Christian community is not enough! Even better, this ongoing interaction with our Lord is not just a requirement - it’s a privilege and a blessing that we get to talk directly with the God who created us loves us, and saved us! Anyway, with all this belovedness and hearing God stuff we’ve been doing in youth group lately, I realized I might have been jumping to step 10, without noticing that most still needed repeats of steps 2.

So, this has all been percolating in my brain since sometime in February, and as I’ve gotten a sense for where the youth group is at, the urgency for starting a conversation about it has increased as well. So, as bits and pieces come to me, I’ve been adding them up, and noticing that these two issues really tend to tie together. One of the clear reassurances that God gave me, as I mentioned above, was that He’d tell me what I need when I needed it. Darn it all for not knowing everything at once! But at least I know it’s coming. Anyway, spent some time on Tuesday last week at a Benedictine monastery on a personal retreat, and this was some of the stuff I was still working on (I’ll put up a few pictures from my retreat, too.) I don’t claim to have all of this figured out yet, but here’s where my brain is right now.

Essentially, it all comes down to, what is it that makes us as Christians different? What is it about my life that shows through as being different when I teach, talk, or just hang out with kids? What needs to be present in my kids’ lives that will set them apart from their peers?

The answer lies in the two commandments that Jesus told us were most important: “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul, and with all your mind….. Love your neighbor as yourself.” (Check out Matthew 22:37-40). It must be understood that these commandments relate to two areas of the Christian life - our discipleship (spiritual growth especially), and our testimony.

Note that these commandments are NOT split between those areas. I have often seen it taught that loving God dealt with your spiritual growth, and loving your neighbor was supposed to be the testimony of what’s changed. Not so; these two cannot be split. Your love of God affects your spiritual growth, yes; if you don’t love Him, or develop your love for Him, how are you going to want to spend time listening to Him? At the same time, your love for God should also be evident to other people. If Jesus comes up in a conversation, which will people respond better to? A guy that you avoid talking about a lot, aren’t excited to discuss, and who’s work you can’t really describe? Or a guy that has completely changed your life, affects you daily, and who you can’t wait to get together with again? Your love and passion for God has a huge impact on your testimony.

While not as much an issue as I talk about this, I should point out that in the same way, loving your neighbor is as much a part of your spiritual growth as it is your testimony. The testimony part is fairly obvious, I think - we serve others because you’re a Christian, and that’s what Jesus would have us do. We grow a lot through it, too… James says that if we spent all our time hearing what Jesus says, but we don’t actually do it, our faith is worthless (James 1:22). Jesus says when we care for others, we’re actually caring for Him (Matt. 25:31-40). If so, then there are plenty of opportunities there to learn from Jesus Himself as we care for Him and the people that He explicitly says are blessed and loved by Him. Plus, Jesus said that it’s as our faith begins bearing good fruit that we’ll better understand Jesus and He’ll listen to our prayers (John 15:16). While fruit involves changes in ourselves as much as more love towards people, it still suggests that we can’t really get what Jesus has for us to learn until we start doing stuff. The list goes on.

Anyway, back to the issue at hand. If there’s one thing my church is good at, it’s loving our neighbors. We have Greatest Commandment #2 down pat, at least compared with the majority of churches. We’re experts at loving each other in the church, most of us serve the community or other needy parts of society on a regular basis, and we’re generally very hospitable to our neighbors and others that come around. It’s easy to get excited about helping others, building community, and generally seeing visible, tangible results. For the most part, the youth understand that pretty well. They’re comfortable working, are usually happy to help and serve people, and realize that loving and caring for people is a core part of being a Christian. Most of them grew up in a church that excels at that. Honestly, all of this is a lot of the reason why I loved Living Water when I first started attending - there were people as passionate about loving their neighbors as I was, if not more so.

One of the weaknesses in my church? Quite possibly, loving God. Now, I stand on shaky ground saying this, and if I heard someone else say it, I’d be one of the first to argue otherwise. There are some amazing Christians in our church, and it’s very clear that their work for the Lord comes from their love for Him. Even with some of the older members with less of an evangelical background, it’s clear that they have a deep love for Jesus. It’s definitely not just a matter of traditions.

What are lacking, however, may well be the testimonial aspects of loving God. As a congregation in our worship and prayer, I think it’s generally clear that we love God. Individually? Many of us are people who are far more comfortable talking about what God would have us do, rather than talk about how great God has been to us personally. We’re better at talking about everything surrounding Jesus than we are at talking about Jesus Himself. All the peripherals are a lot easier to grasp and describe.

For our youth, I fear the result has been that Christ has become more an idea than a real, living, present, interactive Person. They know that they are supposed to trust Jesus as their savior - from the Mennonite church, they know God has come to reconcile mankind to Him. From evangelical influences, they know that Jesus came to save them personally. Beyond that, they know that as Christians they’re supposed to learn what God wants them to do, work on being better and loving other people, and be part of the Church. Some have said they’ve experienced God, although it’s usually limited to the warm fuzzies they get during worship at camp. And when that comes up, like a recording, at least one of them will remind us that the warm fuzzies are bad.

So, where do we go from here? It seems to me that both my youth group and I need to work on loving God - for me, the visible testimony of it; for my kids, the intimate reality of it.

For my kids, they need to understand that regular communion with Jesus is both necessary and desirable. First, they need to know who Jesus is - not just in a theological way, but who He is to them personally. What has He done for them? Why are they part of the Church, following Him? Why do they love Him? More to the point, DO they love Him, or are they just following the tradition of their parents and church family?

Second, they need to hear Jesus’ invitation to them into relationship. Jesus tells us that we aren’t just servants, we’re His friends, and that we’re invited into His confidence because He loves us and He wants us to understand Him and the Father (John 15:9-15). God doesn’t want servants; He can make more of those in the blink of an eye. He was companions to walk with Him and commune with Him, to know Him intimately. As disciples, we have access to a whole lot more than just a list of Good and Bad things to do. Relationship has always been the core part of being a disciple.

Third, they need to realize that a relationship with the Lord is necessary if they’re actually going to get anywhere in this Christian business. Christians are supposed to grow in spiritual maturity and love others more, which people can often fake. But for only so long. Real love for others can only come from our love for God, and His for us (1 John 4:19), and in order for us to become spiritually mature and bear fruit as Christians, we must remain united with Christ (John 15:5).

Fourth, they need to learn how to interact with God. I can teach them plenty about why they need to talk with God. But, it’s all useless until I can help them recognize when they feel close to God, what to listen for, and how to develop and strengthen that connection. They need to know that it can and does go far beyond doing daily devotions and reading the Bible for half an hour… which several of them have tried before, with scant results and very little spiritual comfort. As Dr. Perrine (thanks, CRM!) would say, they need to learn what their God language is, and how to develop regular spiritual practices around that. They need to recognize Jesus’ life and presence around all the time, and not just in a Bible verse, sermon, or worship song! Of course, this will continue far, far beyond high school.

What’s all of this mean for me? First, I need to be better at letting my love and passion for Jesus show through. The love is there - I’m not worried about that. But that doesn’t always mean it’s evident. For example, I always love my wife. That doesn’t mean, however, that I’m always excited or passionate about her. If I’m on top of things, I’ll still show my love for her by the things I do - that’s important. However, it takes an extra effort to show that I’m really glad she’s there. Otherwise, it would be easy for my actions to look more like obligation than love. It’s not necessarily faking the excitement; it’s realizing that loving her is a choice, and making her feel special like that is part of loving her. It’s similar with Jesus. I always love Jesus, but my passion for Him will vary from time to time. However, I need to always be aware of how other people perceive my relationship with Him. If I talk about Him and serve Him like it’s an obligation, people may pity me. If I can be honest about how important He is to me and how much I love Him, even when I’m frustrated with Him, have unanswered questions, or just don’t feel close to Him, hopefully people will wonder what they’re missing.

Second, we know that perfect love drives out fear (1 John 4:18). While I’m not necessarily afraid of condemnation, I still carry a lot of fear and insecurity. How will my words be received? What do I have to do to strengthen these relationships? What if a message important to me totally flops? What if people disregard me as not having much to say? Or being too young and inexperienced? Are they still comparing me to their old youth pastor? Why aren’t I haven’t more “spiritual” conversations with people? Etc., etc., etc. This fear is a hindrance both to my own ability to live and minister faithfully, and to God’s ability to work through me. For this reason I regularly pray that my timidity be replaced by power and love (2 Tim. 1:7), but that will only happen as I move closer to Jesus and trust in what He has in store for me, and move away from my own weak self with all it’s fears and frailty. Perfect love drives out fear.

Third, I pray for a better sense of my own sin. While it sounds like a depressing thing to pray for, it’s a key part of our salvation - if we don’t know what we’re saved from, what is our salvation worth? I was reminded on Good Friday that I often don’t really grasp my own sinful nature. Cognitively, I know I’m fallen, sinful person. In my heart, though, I tend to think I’m a pretty decent guy, and while I know there’s stuff buried that I’m glad others don’t see, I’m not worried about it destroying my life. When I sin, it’s usually easy for me to recognize what it is, decide I shouldn’t be doing it, and casually accept that I’m forgiven for it. That’s usually the end of it. None of that is reassuring in light of Luke 7:36-50, where Jesus says that the sinful woman who poured perfume on His feet loved Him so much because she had been forgiven so much. If you’re not forgiven much, you won’t love much. If I’m going to love Jesus as much as I want to, I can’t just know how much I’m forgiven - I’ve got to feel it and believe it.

So, that’s where I’m at now.

And this is the longest paper I’ve written since college.

Important Life Lessons

Life Lesson #1:  When going to get groceries, make sure you have your wallet with you before you leave the house.

Life Lesson #2:  When you happen to forget your wallet, and don’t realize it until you’re 3/4 of the way to the store, don’t be bitter about it - be thankful that you remembered before you got to the check-out line.  It’s healthier.

Life Lesson #3:  Remember Life Lesson #1, so that Life Lesson #2 is a moot point.

Mystery Trip!

This past week, Chicago Public Schools have been on spring break. Because I like taking advantage of days without school, I took some of the kids from youth group on a Mystery Trip around Chicago! I had fun - it was a really good chance to just hang out with them, and just as important, it gave them a chance to hang out with each other. They haven’t done that as much as they always used to, so it excites me when they do, especially with it’s Jr. and Sr. High together.

We started the day going to a pottery studio, where we spent a couple hours painting pottery that will then be fired in a kiln, so we can actually use it. Interesting, creative, and a chance for them to sit around and talk while keeping their hands busy.

After that, we had lunch at a diner-like place downtown, which my wife joined us for. And then, dessert was free samples at the Hershey store.

In the afternoon, I gave them a couple of options, but we basically just played games outside of the Field Museum all afternoon. Finally, we ended the day by joining a group from our church at the anti-war rally downtown, marking the anniversary of the start of the Iraq war. We didn’t stay for too long, but it was good for them to see first-hand what several in our congregation are actively involved in.

Anyway, some pictures from me:

And, some photos by one of my favorite new photographers, Abina:

Polaroids

We went to Salvation Army today, looking for some stuff for our new apartment.  While looking around, I came across an older polaroid camera.  You know, those cameras where you take the picture, and the film comes out the front and develops before your eyes?

It was cheap, and the camera still work.  I am very, very excited.

Too bad their going to stop making film for it next year… doh.

Review and Preview

Relieving - although now a lot of my frantic searching earlier this week turned out to be unnecessary, it looks like we’ll be able to take our Sr. High retreat at the camp we’d originally planned on.

Saddening - this Sunday was supposed to be the youth group’s first service night at our new location, but some snags showed up in the planning, and we couldn’t set it up quite yet.  The game we’re doing instead should still be fun, though.

Encouraging - interest by a company for headshots for their entire office.  It might not go through, but it’s still exciting to even have prospects of “big” photography jobs.

Tiring - this week.  Lots of anxiety over big things to come.  Again, not having to worry about a SH retreat location is now a huge relief.

Exciting - thinking about things like our new apartment in a couple of weeks, hanging out with kids over their spring break next week, looking into licencing  to be more “official” in this job, and writing a proposal to describe what I would do and dream of doing if I moved up to full-time.

Anxiousness - still lots to plan.

Anticipation - Tuesday I’m taking a day-retreat at a Benedictine monastery down on the south side (unfortunately, I couldn’t find a Franciscan one… oh well!).  I’m looking forward to some time alone, with God, without having to worry about everything I have to do, and to spend more time focusing on me and Him.

A Little Bite of Hopelessness

Today wasn’t too bad of a day.  I got some work done this morning, and am easily putting in to get close to full-time this week (I’m technically a “part-time” youth pastor, whatever that is), though there’s still tons of stuff coming up, and never time to get ready for it.

I had a good chance to think some about actually being licensed as a pastor, now that I’ve been here a few months, with the possible goal of ordination.

Prayers during lunch were short but sweet.

We had a meeting before the after school program (and after), where we had some good conversation about discipline and how we interact with the kids.  I don’t know that everyone was satisfied, but we came up with something to try, and it let us discuss some issues that hadn’t been addressed.

Our day with the jr. high kids was actually GOOD today.  Relatively speaking, of course… maybe that’s just a sign of our lowered expectations.  Still, they mostly cooperated, we had some fun with them, and they figured out that the quickest way to get through the Bible study into the games was by settling and participating.  That’s progress.

I had a chance to go on a short walk to the school with one of the jr. high kids in the program, a rare moment to hang out one-on-one without it being for discipline.  Short, sweet, and good.

We found out our absent kid was suspended from school, and for good reason.  We talked to him on the phone, he sounded repentant, and the program coordinator let him come on our reward trip as long as he would talk about what happened when he got back.  That’s a good thing, I think.

Before the potluck (which I’ve started going to regularly), I was able to talk with a few of the early kids.  Again, nothing significant, but still encouraging since I’m just getting to know this new group.

Rough interactions with one of the kids at potluck, same frustrating kid as last week.  He got a good talking to from an adult who knows him better (for how he acts to adults in general, not just me), so I pray things will improve.

Good time at potluck, hanging out with some of my youth group kids.

Found out that one of my youth group kids is into photography a lot more than I realized… that’s exciting.  I like contact points with kids that come naturally to me.

Some high schoolers came in during the potluck.  It was encouraging when I knew and could converse with some that I knew from Howard Area, and when others I didn’t remember still recognized me from helping out there (which, by the way, I’ve stopped working at for the time being… though these interactions sometimes make me regret it).

After potluck, got to play games with several of the kids before they had the leave.  Also a good place for me to get to know some of them.

All in all, today was a good day.  Some good work, and lots of positive and encouraging interactions with kids… nothing huge, but small steps that mean a lot in the long run.

Then, after potluck, my wife and I were walking home, and saw a few teens, including at least one high schooler from potluck, with their legs spread, palms flat on the front hood of a police car.  They weren’t arrested, thankfully, but it still makes one wonder… how can we possibly compete with this screwed up world?

And with something as simple as that, all my little encouragements built up during the day turned to ash, and it all seemed worthless.

If I wasn’t confident that one day Jesus will make sense out of all this crap, there really wouldn’t be anything keeping me here to care.  And even that’s tough some days.

Battles

So apparently, there was a decent-sized fight yesterday at our nearby elementary school. Unfortunately, it involved some of the kids from our after-school program. Worse, they were on opposite sides.

Some of them came to one of our leaders today, however, and said they wanted to talk about it. It was really encouraging, and she sat down with 5 of the girls to try and sort things out. They broke for snack, then 4 of them continued with the other leader and me.

I’m really not sure what came of it, either. We kept trying to move them past the point of laying blame and shouting about who did what, but they wanted to stay on that topic. I can’t say I blame them… it’s so much easier to get caught up in blaming each other, instead of being the mature one and working towards a solution.  Too bad only one of them was willing to take that step.

So, I don’t know what really came of it.  The other leader and I learned a lot about what happened, and it was great experience for us, having not done mediation with anything as serious as our kids coming to blows with each other.  I think some of the things we talked about sunk in for a couple of them, but I can only pray they’ll remember it the next time around.  But how are we supposed to teach these kids a better way to deal with conflict when their entire culture, their friends, probably their parents, and even the security guard as the school is telling them to deal with it by hitting back?

Relationships - One small step at a time

Today, as I left the church after the after school program, I noticed a group of teen guys standing on the corner I would have to walk by.  It’s always a bit intimidating, even when they aren’t really doing anything.

“What sort of mood are they in?”

“What if they’re just looking for an excuse to start something?”

“Is it worth taking a longer route to make sure nothing happens?”

These questions and fears really aren’t fair, and I’m certainly ashamed when they run through my mind.  As much as I try to fight it, I am still as prejudiced as anyone.

More important, however, is that I don’t give in to my fears and assumptions.  Since living here, I don’t think I’ve ever gone out of my way to avoid a black guys.

Today was an especially good day for me for me to stand by that.  As I approached the crowd, the first guy I saw was someone I’d known from Howard Area Community Center, and just recently saw him at our church’s potluck last week (remember the influx of area youth we’ve been having?).  I think making that connection between me volunteering at HACC and working at my church helped a lot, because I already knew him when he came in.

With that relationship in place, superficial though it may be, I was glad that he gave me a very friendly greeting, and while I didn’t have long to chat, we took the time to talk a little bit about his hunt for a job,  and see if he was coming to potluck again.  More significant was that he had no problem chatting with me in front of all his friends.

A small step, but a connection and gesture that I really appreciate.   It’s a good day.